Why You Keep Having the Same Fight: A Systemic Look at Conflict and Healing
There is a specific kind of loneliness that happens inside a relationship.
It’s sitting in the same Matatu or driving in the same car on Mombasa Road, stuck in traffic, and not having a single thing to say to each other. It’s the argument about money or in-laws that starts at 8:00 PM and ends with slammed doors at midnight—for the third time this week.
Or perhaps, it is the devastating discovery of a third party—an affair that has shattered the foundation of what you thought was solid ground.
If you are reading this, you might be asking the terrifying question: Is this the end?
The "Silent Killer": Communication Breakdown
Before the big explosions, there is usually the silence. In Kenya, we are experts at the "polite peace." We swallow our frustrations to avoid rocking the boat, or we resort to the "silent treatment" to punish our partners.
As a therapist, I often see couples who have stopped talking not because they don't care, but because they don't feel heard.
The Pursuer-Distancer Dance: One partner pushes for connection ("We need to talk!"), and the other pulls away to avoid conflict ("Can we do this later?").
The Scorecard: "I paid for school fees, so you should have done the dishes." Relationships become transactional rather than relational.
The Fix? We move from debating "who is right" to understanding "what is felt." We teach you to stop listening to respond, and start listening to understand.
The Elephant in the Room: Infidelity
Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a couple can go through. In our culture, there is often terrible advice surrounding this: "Just forgive and forget," or "That's just how men/women are."
I want to be clear: Infidelity is an attachment injury. It is a trauma.
You cannot just "move on." The partner who was betrayed needs safety and transparency. The partner who strayed needs to understand the "why" behind their actions—was it avoidance? Loneliness? A lack of boundaries?
Recovery is possible, but it requires:
Full Disclosure: No more secrets.
Atonement: Genuine remorse and action from the involved partner.
Attunement: Slowly rebuilding the emotional connection.
How to Fight Fair (Because You Will Fight)
A healthy marriage isn't one where you never fight. It's one where you fight well.
In our sessions, we often see couples engaging in what we call the "Four Horsemen" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling).
Toxic: "You are so lazy, you never help me." (Attack on character)
Healthy: "I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is messy. Can you help me clean up?" (Expression of specific need)
Your Relationship is the Client
When you come to JK Therapy for couples counseling, I am not on the husband's side, and I am not on the wife's side. I am on the side of the relationship.
I provide a neutral ground to unpack the resentment, heal the infidelity, and learn the tools that our parents might not have taught us. Whether you are newlyweds navigating your first year or veterans of 20 years trying to find each other again, there is hope.
Don't wait until the papers are signed to seek help.
Ready to reconnect?
